I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
