New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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