I am spending my child support on dildos
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
