Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
