Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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