I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
zippers are such a cool invention
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
