I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
