..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
