so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
