what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
