dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
