Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
