please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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