Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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