New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Terrible idea I love it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
