I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
