Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
