So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
