I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
