i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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