This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
