she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
