i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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