There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
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You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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