if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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