just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
