I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
