So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
