Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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