Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
