I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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