just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
