he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
