Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's just like the Real World with babies
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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