I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
