Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
