my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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