I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
