3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
