Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
