someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
