I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You took a bar mat shot.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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