Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sarcasm needs its own font
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
