I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
