you traded sex for a burrito?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
