I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
