So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
