Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
