The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
