So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
