Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
