My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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