dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
