Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
