i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
